| Subtle Addictions |  |
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
Many people are aware of the fact that addictions are used to
avoid pain, and most of us are aware of the common addictions:
food, alcohol, drugs, gambling, TV, spending, work, sex, rage
and so on. Most people, however, are not aware of the more
subtle addictions, the addictions that are often so covert and
pervasive that they are as invisible to us as the air we breathe.
Yet these addictions may be impacting us negatively as much as
the more overt addictions.
Take Sam, for example. Sam is the kind of person who ends up
doing everything, both at home and at work. Sam works much
harder in his retail business than either of his two partners, and
often feels overwhelmed by the amount of work he has to do. On
weekends, he ends up doing a lot of work around the house,
even though he has two strong teenagers who could be helping
out. Even when others offer to help, Sam turns them down. Sam
is devoted to being a "nice guy" and caretaking others - doing for
others what they need to be doing for themselves. On a deeper
level, he is always trying to control how others' perceive him. He
wants them to see him as a caring person and often feel
victimized when others do not give him the approval he seeks.
Then, when others react to his attempts to control how they feel
about him with irritation or withdrawal, Sam is angry that they are
not approving of him. When he is really upset, he will get drunk.
He will often obsessively ruminate about how unjust his wife is
or his partners are. If his wife wants to explore their problems,
Sam goes into defending, explaining and resisting, stating that
she is just trying to control him. When nothing else works, Sam
will withdraw.
There are many addictions going on here. The more overt ones
are work, anger and drinking. Sam is also addicted to approval,
to controlling how others see him through caretaking, to being a
victim and blaming others for his misery, to obsessive thinking
(ruminating), to defending, explaining, resisting, and
withdrawing. All of these addictions serve the same purpose as
the more overt addictions. They are all attempts to have control
over getting love/approval and avoiding pain.
You might want to honestly look inside and see what some of
your covert addictions are. Are you addicted to blaming others for
your unhappy feelings? Do you use anger or tears to attempt to
make others responsible for you? Are you addicted to illness as
a way to avoid personal responsibility for yourself? Do you
constantly give yourself up in an attempt to control how others
feel about you? Are you more focused on trying to control others
feelings about you than you are in taking loving care of yourself?
How much of your thinking time is spent in daydreaming about
what you want to say to others or how you wish life was instead
of actually taking loving action for yourself? Do you get obsessive
in your thinking about what you will say or do in a particular
situation? How often do you explain and defend yourself rather
than open to learning? How often do you get angry or withdraw to
avoid dealing with yourself? How much time do you spend
analyzing and figuring out yourself and others as a way to have
control?
Any behavior other than taking loving, responsible care of
yourself and being open to learning with yourself and others is
addictive. All addictive behaviors are attempts to control rather
than learn. Our intent to control or to learn actually governs all our
behavior, and is the basis of the powerful Inner Bonding process
that gradually heals addictive behavior (see our free course at
http://www.innerbonding.com).
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of
eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By
You?", "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By My Kids?",
"Healing Your Aloneness","Inner Bonding", and "Do I Have To
Give Up Me To Be Loved By God?" Visit her web site for a FREE
Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or
mailto:margaret@i...
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