| Looking For a Soul Mate? |  |
By Kathy J. Marshack, Ph.D., P.S.
Secretly we all are looking for a Soul Mate but most of us
are afraid to ask for one. It's as if we believe that if
we shoot too high, shoot for the most perfect person who
will fulfill our wildest dreams, that we will never find
that person. So what most people do is cave into their
fears and settle for a sweetheart who may very well be a
good person, but requires too many compromises to fulfill
a meaningful relationship. At the very least when you
compromise like this you end up living with a friend or a
housemate, not with a vibrant, romantic, intellectually
stimulating partner. What do you want?
In order to find your Soul Mate it is important that you
dispel the myth that finding such a person is impossible.
Yes it may be a lot of work to find such a person, but the
work pays off in one of the most meaningful, loving
relationships of your lifetime. It's a long-term gain
worth putting some effort into wouldn't you say?
Along with your negative belief about finding such an
ideal person, you need to dispense with your fears of
being alone. It is far better to be alone than with the
wrong person, as anyone with a few years of unsuccessful
dating or a sour marriage can attest. Fear clouds your
judgment. It holds you back from seeking opportunities
or even noticing them for that matter. Granted, dealing
with your fears can be overwhelming. Often it is useful
to seek the help of a psychologist to help you clean up
the irrational fears and beliefs that have been guiding
your decisions so far.
Assuming that you allow yourself to believe that you can
find a Soul Mate and that you have dispensed with the fear
of being alone, you are ready to begin your search. Make
a list of the qualities you are looking for in this person.
Be as picky as you want. If he or she is to fit nicely
into your life, then you need to be specific. Don't
compromise. List everything your heart desires from
physical appearance, to political beliefs, to leisure
interests, to favorite foods. It's all important. In
fact, it is often the small details that make or break a
relationship so put them all on your list, big and small.
After you make your list, ask yourself if this list is a
good match for you. Remember opposites attract, but the
best partners are much like ourselves. If your list
describes your opposite, you might want to rework it.
Also take note of items you desire in your sweetheart,
that you yourself have not developed fully. This list
can also be the beginning of a self improvement plan.
Once you have your list and you have allowed yourself to
shoot for the moon so to speak, ask yourself where you are
likely to meet such a person. I realize that your highly
specific list has narrowed down the playing field, but
that's the point. No more dating nice people. Now you
are searching for your match and that isn't just anybody.
Just as you wouldn't buy just any car, or move into just
any apartment, you shouldn't settle for just any partner.
You want to narrow your search to the range of really
available and desirable people for you. This person is
likely to be found in the world that you inhabit already
but specifically at the meetings, classes, art galleries,
political rallies and the like that hold fascination for
you.
To further hone your skills at self discovery and finding
the perfect Soul Mate for you it may be helpful to meet
with a psychologist. Often we have blind spots that the
therapist can help you to elicit and correct. Also don't
be shy about letting friends, family, coworkers and
neighbors know that you are interested in meeting your Soul
Mate. But make sure they understand who you are looking for.
Remember you want to spend the rest of your life with this
person, so just anyone won't do.
Copyright © 2002 Kathy J. Marshack, Ph.D., P.S.
Kathy J. Marshack, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist with over
twenty-five years of experience as a marriage & family therapist.
Visit her website -http://www.self-helpcentral.com, for more of
her practical self-help advice. Sign up for her free ezine
for the latest self-help information and special discounts on
wellness products at http://www.self-helpcentral.com/newsletter.htm.
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