 |
|
|
| Healing Bulimia | |
By Ashleigh Stewart
Recovering from bulimia was one of the biggest challenges I have
faced in my life yet. Considering the fact that I spent many years
of my life living this way, indulging in dangerous patterns of
starving myself then binging and vomiting, getting back into a
normal and healthy pattern of eating like any other normal person
was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do.
Bearing in mind the fact that I had based my entire value of self
worth upon the way I looked and the size and shape of my body, I had
to be prepared to completely change my perception of myself and
where I stood in the world. With that it was also necessary for me
to understand and stop looking for acceptance and recognition from
people outside.
It was like I was fighting in a constant battle with myself. I knew
I was killing myself slowly with my eating disorder and I wanted so
badly to change. However, at the same time I was so afraid of
letting go of the eating disorder and facing reality! I had built
the belief in my mind that I would hate myself even more if I were
to get fatter and I always told myself that I would far rather be
dead than gain weight. So with that you can understand that it was
not really letting go of the eating disorder that I was afraid of, I
was the wonder of how I would feel about myself without it which
scared me. The more I considered this, the more I convinced myself
that this might cause an even bigger negative reaction in me which
would cause the whole thing to start over again!
I remember the earlier days when my recovery process begun, oh boy,
what a nightmare that was. I had no idea what to expect from it all!
Consciously, I had made the decision that I wanted to get better and
end the eating disorder once and for all. Yet, something inside of
me kept driving towards feeling and doing the same old things over
and over again. I was literally fighting a losing battle against
myself and it felt as though I had two versions of my mind living in
one body. I can compare that to what you see in some cartoons where
the character has the devil and the angel both popping up in his
mind at the same time, both of whom are pushing him to behave in two
contradicting ways!
I felt like I was a prisoner inside my own mind and I reacted very
badly to this state of confusion. On my weaker days, I will admit
that I was drawn into acting out my old patterns. I did starve
myself all day, then I would be so hungry and desperate that I would
binge and the make myself sick afterwards. I did think terrible
things about myself and this felt very bad and it made me feel
guilty and I began judging and punishing myself even more because I
was supposed to getting better, not being bulimic all over again! It
was so hard to live this way that on many occasions I really
believed that the only way that this would ever stop was if I were
to just stop living. This was how tiresome and desperate it all
became. But in the end, I kept going and regardless of how difficult
it was to keep on living through these times, I kept pushing myself
to go on and well, here I am today!
One day I felt so desperate that I was on my knees on the floor
crying out for help because I simply couldn't take living through
all this pain and turmoil any more. It was at this point that I
suddenly realized that the more I resisted the fact that it was
necessary for me to go through a slow healing process and that it
was normal to feel like being "bulimic' sometimes, the worse
it
would be to endure the recovery. At that point I realized that I
must drop everything, all the judgment, all the guilt, all the
analyzing and all the attempts to discipline myself to
being "normal' because in reality it was all of this self
inflicted
pressure which fuelled the eating disorder the first place!
One of the biggest characteristics you will find in a person with an
eating disorder is that they have this over-powering need to be a
complete perfectionist and with that they keep striving to prove
something to themselves in all of what they do. It took me a long
time to realize that it was actually myself who was the only one
preventing me from letting go of bulimia and it was all because I
had this need to force myself to do it perfectly which kept it
going. This only made me feel more stressed and it was this stress
which brought the on-shot of the bulimic feelings. It was crazy!
It is ironic really because you would think that in the case of
recovering from any kind of self inflicted disorder, the person who
was trying to heal themselves would need to have a full conscious
determination and a perfected strong will to overcome the urges they
get to keep behaving the way they do with any kind of eating
disorder that exists. However, in light of it all, it learned that
it was the complete opposite for me. One morning I woke up and I
decided to stop pressurizing myself to recover. This was the day my
true recovery begun. I decided to stop judging myself and punishing
myself for occasionally feeling inclined to starve myself all day
then binge and throw up afterwards, of course, this feeling would
definitely occur on occasion considering I had spent years existing
in a way that made this a normal almost daily pattern for me.
Since that day things were so much easier for me to handle. I begun
to learn about my "real' self and I have also learnt what it
really
is to be able to walk through my life without pride and having
enough humility to be able to accept the fact that yes, I was living
dangerously with an eating disorder which completely took over my
life. I did have a self destructive state of mind which manifested
itself through my eating disorder. And I also learnt to accept that
recovery would be a slow process which required my patience because
my eating disorder and my entire way of thinking and living would
not just simply switch over night. I had to know and accept that
yes, some days I would feel as if despised myself and that I was not
really getting better at all because I might feel like making myself
sick after eating out of desperation and panic because I of the fact
my body would gain weight and that my clothes might no longer fit
after returning to a eating a more "normal' diet.
I have learnt to slowly accept that I am far from perfect and I have
tried to love myself even more just for being brave enough to admit
it to myself and for being able to live day by day, taking each step
as it comes without knowing what to expect and always knowing that
pride and being a perfectionist has no place in my life anymore.
Being able to live with this humility is what has saved me. This has
allowed me to be able to drop all of the false beliefs I lived up to
for so many years in terms of myself and my body.
Gradually over time recovery has become easier and the inclination
to binge and vomit after eating has become lesser. The self hatred I
used to feel has slowly faded away and it has been replaced by a
deeper compassion and understanding towards myself. I am now able to
relax and enjoy life now that I have space in my mind to appreciate
the little things that used to go by unnoticed because I was so
preoccupied with thinking about my weight, food and planning my next
binge session! I am learning about what it feels like to really love
myself and my body and I am so grateful to be alive, healthy and in
almost full working order today after all the dangerous things I
used to do to myself.
On a final note, I would like to say that, I am so very proud of
myself for having done all of this for myself and by myself without
any help from medicine, a doctor, a therapist or any other kind of
psychologist. It was very much my own determination to get better
and also a case of trial an error which brought me to understand all
of what I know now about eating disorders. The only thing which made
the difference in the end is that I chose to get better. It was me
who liberated myself from living this way and nobody else could
possibly have done that for me. The point I am trying to make here
is that in reality nobody can heal you from an eating disorder, only
you can do it yourself. You can have all the help, advice and
guidance you want, but in the end it all comes down to you and how
you choose to live your life. You can choose to really live with a
happy and healthy state of mind or you can choose to slowly kill
yourself in this way. In the end it is all up to you!
The Free Spirit Centre
http://www.freespiritcentre.info
About The Author
Ashleigh Stewart, aged 23 was born and brought up in Scotland. Her
studies are in Psychology and Human Geography at Concordia
University, Montreal, Canada. Ashleigh suffered with bulimia and
anorexia for six years.
Ashleigh is a natural Medium and amongst her abilities are Tarot,
Crystal work and Psychometry. She is also writer for the internet
site "The Free spirit Centre' http://www.freespiritcentre.info
ashleigh@freespiritcentre.info
|
|
|
