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| Are You Addicted to Anger? | |
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
Michael was raised in a home where anger was used to control.
His parents used their anger to attempt to control each other as
well as their children. Sometimes the anger erupted into
violence and Michael and his siblings would get physically hurt.
Michael never knew when one of his parents would suddenly
become enraged, so the threat was always there.
Michael was the oldest of four children and was often put in
charge of taking care of his siblings. He often took out on his
siblings his fear and rage at being abused by his parents. While
some part of Michael didn't want to be like his parents, this was
all he knew.
As an adult, Michael struggles with his frequent anger at his wife
and children. His wife threatened to leave him if he didn't get
some help, which is what led him to consult with me.
"Michael, anger is often used to cover up another, more painful
feeling. What do you think you are covering up with your anger?" I
asked.
"I don't know. I just get so frustrated and then out comes the
anger."
"What did you feel as a child, besides scared, when your parents
were angry and violent with you?"
"I guess I felt pretty much alone."
"You must have felt very alone and uncared for and also helpless
over what was happening."
"Yes, I felt so helpless! I hated feeling so alone and helpless. It
was so scary. I couldn't wait to get bigger so I wouldn't feel so
helpless."
"What triggers that helpless feeling now?"
"Humm.I guess it's when my wife and kids don't do what I want
them to do or what I think they should do."
"So rather than feel and accept your helplessness over them,
which is the reality but is a difficult feeling to feel, you avoid
feeling that old helplessness by trying to control them with your
anger, just as your parents did. Is that right?"
"I guess so. I guess I try to control them rather than feel helpless.
But why should I feel helpless? It's an awful feeling.
"Michael, when you were a child, you were helpless over your
parents brutality, and you were also helpless over yourself in
many ways. You couldn't just leave and go live with someone
else. You couldn't walk away without further punishment.
However, today, while you are still helpless over others, you are
not helpless over yourself. You can walk away from a situation
that doesn't feel good, or you can speak up for yourself. You can
also explore difficulties with your family. You didn't have any of
these options as a child. But unless you accept your
helplessness over others, you will try to control them, and anger
is the way you've learned to do it. Anger is your automatic
controlling, addictive response to protect against feeling that old
helplessness. You will continue to be angry until you accept your
helplessness over others - over what they choose to do and who
they choose to be."
Helplessness over others is a very hard feeling to accept. For
many people, it feels like a life or death feeling, because as
infants we were completely helpless and if no one came we
would die. Some of us cried and cried and no one came and we
felt helpless over living or dying. While today helplessness over
others is not usually a life or death experience, the feeling can
trigger our infant terror. Most people will do anything to avoid the
feeling of helplessness, even though we are no longer helpless
over ourselves. Yet until we accept our helplessness over
others, we will try to control them, and anger is a major way
many people have learned to attempt to control.
It took Michael time to learn how to take care of himself - how to
embrace and accept his helpless feelings rather than ignore
them or cover them up with anger. As he learned to take loving
care of himself and his own feelings and needs, he became
more accepting of other's feelings and needs. As a result of
accepting himself and others, and of learning to feel and
manage his painful feelings, his need to control others gradually
diminished.
In the course of working with me, Michael learned to access a
personal source of spiritual guidance to help him not feel so
alone and to know how to take loving care of himself. Michael
found that when he was connected with his spiritual guidance,
he was much less likely to act out in anger. He found he could
manage his difficult feelings of aloneness and helplessness far
more easily when he felt the love and support of Spirit.
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of
eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By
You?", "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By My Kids?",
"Healing Your Aloneness","Inner Bonding", and "Do I Have To
Give Up Me To Be Loved By God?" Visit her web site for a FREE
Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or
mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com
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