| Is it perfection or achieving your personal best? |  |
As the ball flew past the keeper into the goal for the
second time, I watched the young player burst into tears and
cover her face in shame. My heart went out to this
ten-year-old. Even though she has been told a hundred times
that it takes a whole team to make a goal or to defend the
net, she felt the burden of responsibility for losing the
game. Rightly or wrongly, she realized that the "buck stops
here." She had failed her team. She and everyone knew it.
Perfectionism is the bane of performance whether it is in
academics, the arts or sports. It seems that you can't live
with it and you can't live without it . . . that is if you
want to perfect your skill and win. Learning to live with it
means defining perfectionism in such a way as to bring out
the best in a player or performer or student without
damaging side effects. Perfectionism need not be bad. In
fact, it is the driving force behind excellence of any kind.
It only becomes harmful, psychologically and even physically
when the person is motivated by fear of failure rather than
a love of what they're doing.
So what is the difference between healthy perfectionism or
striving for excellence and neurotic perfectionism? Much
research has gone into answering this question. It's not
always easy to tell if a performer is motivated by neurotic
or healthy perfectionism, because perfectionists are good at
covering their flaws. However, if you look at the whole
person within the environment of their family and/or team,
you can spot some telltale signs. For example, the neurotic
perfectionist has (1) a constant need for approval from
others, (2) too high standards for he or she to meet, (3)
endless anxiety with no way to cope, (4) and no role models
of others who handle failures or successes well.
On the other hand, the person with healthy perfectionism is
guided by (1) a high need for order and organization, or
discipline, (2) reasonable, achievable standards that
nevertheless require hard work, (3) a belief that mistakes
are opportunities to learn, and (4) role models who accept
their own mistakes and encourage them to do their personal
best.
The young goalkeeper who failed to defend the goal may or
may not be motivated by perfectionism, healthy or neurotic.
You don't have to be a perfectionist to feel the sting of
defeat. Talented people thrive on competition. Competing
with other talented people gives them the challenge they
need to achieve excellence. The healthy perfectionist,
however, is wise enough to recognize that a less than
stellar performance just means he or she has work to do. He
or she knows what they are capable of and they push until
they meet their goals; then they set new ones to achieve.
Ultimately the talented person who is motivated by
perfection to strive for excellence does so because she or
he loves to do well. While fear may motivate the neurotic
perfectionist, and ultimately prove to be his or her
undoing, the healthy perfectionist plays because they love
what they do. Performing well is its own reward.
Copyright © 2000 Kathy J. Marshack, Ph.D., P.S.
Kathy J. Marshack, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist with
over twenty-five years of experience as a marriage & family
therapist. Visit her website -http://www.self-helpcentral.com,
for more of her practical self-help advice. Sign up for her
free ezine for the latest self-help information and special
discounts on wellness products at
http://www.self-helpcentral.com/newsletter.htm.
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