| Compassion - A Powerful Doorway to Personal Growth |  |
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
What if there was one choice you could make that would
change everything in your life for the better? Actually,
there is. It's the choice to move out of judgment and into
compassion for yourself and others.
Compassion is defined as a deep caring for the pain of
others, often accompanied by a desire to help. There is
nothing that feels more wonderful and comforting than
experiencing another's compassionate response to our painful
feelings and experiences.
However, it's interesting that compassion is never defined
in terms of oneself. Yet, compassion is one of the greatest
gifts we can give to ourselves. In fact, when we give
compassion to others but not to ourselves, we often end up
feeling alone, worn out, and uncared for.
Jackie is a good example of a person who has compassion for
others but not for herself. She is a very caring mother and
wife. She listens compassionately to her husband's work
problems and does all she can to help him, even when she is
having her own work problems. She is always there for her
children, helping them with whatever problems arise, as well
as for her co-workers. Everyone sees Jackie as a very loving
person - and she is. So why is she often unhappy? Why is she
often so fatigued and depleted? The problem is that Jackie
is completely out of touch with her own feelings.
Jackie is so focused on meeting everyone else's needs that
she never tunes into herself and her own feelings and needs.
She doesn't know when she is tired or when she needs time
for herself. She doesn't know when she is feeling sad,
lonely, or anxious. Because she has no compassion for
herself, she finds herself using food to fill the inner
emptiness that is the result of not taking loving care of
herself.
Richard, on the other hand, lacks compassion for both
himself and others. While it may seem as if he has
compassion for himself, he also is not tuned into his own
feelings. It seems like Richard has compassion for himself
because he does what he wants - buys what he wants, goes
after what he wants, spends time the way he wants. But his
choices are coming from his fears and his addictive need to
fill up from outside with things and approval rather than
from love and compassion for himself. In addition, he is
usually unconscious regarding the effect his behavior has on
others. He keeps people waiting, doesn't do what he says he
is going to do, and becomes judgmental rather than
compassionate in the face of another's difficulties. Instead
of caring when his wife is tired or needs help, he gets
resistant and resentful that she isn't there for him or is
asking something of him.
A lack of compassion for oneself and others is a major cause
of inner and relationship unhappiness. In terms of personal
growth, if you were to just focus on making compassion your
highest priority - both for yourself and for others - you
would find yourself progressing toward happiness, peace and
joy more rapidly than you can imagine.
We move into compassion for ourselves when we know that we
have very good reasons for our feelings and behavior, and
into compassion for others when we know that others also
have very good reasons for their feelings and behavior.
These good reasons are the fears and false beliefs that we
have absorbed from our growing up years that create our
painful feelings and our defensive behavior.
Moving into compassion is a process that takes time and
practice:
1. Moving into compassion for yourself starts with noticing
your self-judgment. Judgment is the opposite of compassion.
When you judge yourself, you are telling yourself that you
are wrong or bad for your feelings or behavior, rather than
that you have good reasons. Each time you realize that you
are judging yourself, consciously open your heart to
compassion for yourself. When your intention is to be
compassionate rather than judgmental, you will discover that
it is not as hard as you think to shift from judgment to
compassion.
2. Moving into compassion for others is similar. Begin to
notice your anger, irritation, judgment, resentment, or
resistance toward others. These negative feelings are the
opposite of compassion. Once you notice these feelings, you
have the choice to open to caring, understanding - to
compassion.
3. Each time you find yourself in judgment for yourself or
others, instead of judging yourself for judging, move into
compassion for the judgmental part of you. If you judge
yourself for judging yourself or others, you will stay
stuck. If you embrace with compassion the judgmental part of
yourself, you will find yourself gradually becoming less
judgmental and more compassionate.
Each time you are compassionate with yourself and others, it
becomes easier next time. You will discover that focusing on
compassion for both yourself and others will move you toward
the peace and joy you are seeking. It all comes from your
intent - to protect against pain with your controlling
behaviors, such as anger, blame and judgment, or to learn
about loving yourself and others. When your deepest desire
is to become a loving human being, opening to compassion is
a powerful doorway to that path.
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and
co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me
To Be Loved By You?" She is the co-creator of a powerful
self-help, 6-step emotional and spiritual healing process
called Inner Bonding. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web
site for a FREE Inner Bonding course:
http://www.innerbonding.com or
mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com
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